Hey all! It’s me, Janine:) I haven’t written on this blog in a while as my business has shifted a little in the past year…..aaaaand since I’m not so sure it would make sense to open another site for this….I’ve decided to write my letter here.
It’s a letter to whoever. Whoever wants to read. A letter inspired by a brief meeting with a friend and a Timehop reminder of this week “3 years ago” that popped up on my phone. Since life doesn’t happen coincidentally I have begun to feel the nudge to share a little of my heart on the subject of infertility . To the friend I ran into at Marshalls this week….thank you for being authentic and real. Thank you for encouraging me to share and for the reminder that our struggles don’t define us. They are part of our story…but they aren’t the ENTIRE STORY. It isn’t my hope to slap a label on my head; for people to be sorry; but instead for a voice for those who don’t feel comfortable to share. To use our story for God’s glory…..
here goes…..
This is a letter to Whoever.
The fertile.
The infertile.
The man or woman who wants to read.
Part 1. To the woman struggling to conceive….
I see you. I really do. Yes I have 3 children. Yes I am blessed. But I see you. I know the feeling of failure when the test doesn’t give you a positive. In the 7+ combined years of infertility, I have experienced this failure more times than I can count. The 65th test hurts just the same as the 1st. I know your pain. But you continue to HOPE….. DON’T LOSE HOPE.
The questions that seem so ignorant and cold?…..they SOMETIMES are…..
But MOST of the time….they are just curious. **Except the man in the mall that asks you if you were suing the artificial inseminator for getting you pregnant with 3 kids at once….HE’S DUMB….and ignorant and cold. You’ll have a few of those. IGNORE THOSE PEOPLE.
You are NOT A FAILURE. Sure. The science makes sense. Heck, I am a certified Biology Teacher….I KNOW how the reproductive system works. You may think you have every piece to the puzzle YET….you still can’t get pregnant. I SEE YOU!
You read the books.
You try the special diet.
You “RELAX” (seriously people?)
You pay the expensive medical bills for IUI’s and IVF’s and whatever else they recommend.
Heck…you might even drink a packet of “green murky swamp water” 3 times a day from a Chinese doctor in California (um….me!? ) just because you are told it may help!?
Yep. I know. You’ll do ANYTHING.
You do what you and your spouse feel is right. Don’t let the opinions of others weigh you down. It’s your life. Your body. Your family. HONOR THAT.
But also understand that no matter the outcome….THIS DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. Your story is unfolding every single day. Every second of your day; every encounter, every experience….they are all part of your story.
OWN THIS PART OF YOUR LIFE…. But just as needed to accept the hard truth that this is something you are going through RIGHT NOW. If you want to share…..SHARE! If you don’t, then don’t.
But give GRACE to those who don’t understand.
I spent way too much of my time feeling like nobody understood when the fact of the matter was I was keeping it a secret while I let their questions create so much bitterness in my heart.
I remember kicking a hole in my bathroom door after another call from my doctor explaining my declining numbers and confirmation of a negative pregnancy test. I felt like a MONSTER. I didn’t want to tell Jordan let alone the rest of my family or friends. I withdrew and hid….it was awful.
DON’T BELIEVE THE LIES.
I told myself the lies…..
You aren’t good enough.
You aren’t normal.
Your husband would be better off with a wife who can have babies without draining our bank account and putting us tens of thousands of dollars into debt.
TELL THE DEVIL TO SHUT UP. Those are lies…..kick ’em to the curb.
BELIEVE THE TRUTH.
You are LOVED.
You are ENOUGH.
You are WORTH MORE THAN GOLD.
You were created perfectly in God’s Image. There is no one else like you…..and that was on purpose.
Remember it’s okay to FEEL. It doesn’t make you a bad person if your PAIN and SORROW are equally as strong as your JOY and EXCITEMENT for your friend announcing their pregnancy. You are NOT cold. You have feelings. It’s OK. There is a time and place to let those feelings show….and sometimes they don’t come out at the most awesome times (I’ve had a few of those) but real friends and family members will know your heart. Just LOVE them hard and they will LOVE you.
LET PEOPLE IN.
You don’t have to share your heart with the world…..but find someone. Let those who care in. Don’t assume they don’t get it and won’t understand. Don’t assume they will judge you or just put pity on your head. Most people care so much. And if they don’t ….that’s on them….NOT YOU. You have no idea the struggles someone else is going through. Maybe you sharing yours will help them share theirs…..Remember….WE’VE ALL GOT A STORY.
I remember coming to work one morning at the height of our first IVF procedure . I was so emotional, bloated on medications taking numerous shots per day. One of my 8th grade students shared she was pregnant. My HEART SANK. Of course, I was immediately upset and furious as to why SHE DESERVED a baby and I didn’t ….at the age of 26, financially stable, with a husband…..WHY NOT ME??
BUT GOD OPENED MY EYES to that situation. This was NOT ideal for her. Just like infertility was NOT ideal for me. Opposite sides of the field….we both had our struggles. God showed me how to love on her and encourage her through that time. It helped my pain by showing compassion rather than judgement and making the call on “who deserved it more.” What a blessing to have my eyes OPENED and see it from the other side.
IT SUCKS…..I know. To the ones trying to conceive….I SEE YOU. I am so sorry this is part of your story. I am so sorry for the hurt and the pain. I am so sorry life isn’t going the way you have planned. Another painful negative. Another expensive and emotional procedure. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP.
I don’t know the final destination for you and your family. Only God knows that. My HOPE for you in all of this is that YOU DON’T LOSE FAITH. and remember to LOVE YOURSELF…..simply because GOD LOVED you first. Just as you are.
I love you.
Love, Janine
Part 2. To anyone else
It’s quite possible you know someone struggling with infertility. Whether its you daughter or friend, or the guy at work who has mentioned he and his wife have been trying to get pregnant. With it being National Infertility Awareness Week….I am sure it seems to be popping up everywhere. I just want to tell you, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU for reading this.
THANK YOU for being there.
THANK YOU for acknowledging the pain that the 1 in 8 of us experience.
THANK YOU for loving us when we seem cold or distant.
THANK YOU for not making it weird or awkward. (unless someone totally farted or gave you total TMI talking to you about it…that IS awkward, I get it)
THANK YOU for letting us share …to vent…to cry.
Now…. LET US BE THERE FOR YOU.
Once again….this isn’t a pity party. IT’S LIFE. I get it that nobody wants to be a “Debbie Downer” but face it….we’ve all got Junk.
When we share in our struggle and real life pain…we we understand each other better. Simple as that.
I love to be positive and consider myself a positive person. I love to laugh and have fun. But I also love a GOOD CRY. It’s ok to let those feelings out once in a while! YOUR STORY DOESN’T DEFINE YOU OR PUT A LABEL ON YOUR HEAD….it’s just PART of your story. OWN IT.
Find your PEOPLE.
Find 1 FRIEND.
Talk to your spouse, a mentor, whoever…..
Just make sure it’s a human, ok? (pets don’t count here)
If you have ZERO issues….then you are a unicorn. That is all.
Thank you for reading along.
I love you.
Love, Janine
The Farmer's Wife CSA 